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funny

Surprise + Traffic Jam

January 4, 2010

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From Duplex Planet

December 23, 2009

From Duplex Planet 174 (a zine that collects interviews with elderly people):

DBG: What kind of animal would you be if you had to be one?

HELEN FOSTER: Me? I have no idea. I never thought of that. I have no idea. What kind I would want to be? Oh, I don’t know… (thinking)… You would think I’d want to be powerful, but I wouldn’t. No, I’d want one that other people would be comfortable with, I think, whatever kind of animal that is. A lot of people don’t like cats, but I think a cat is comfortable. Most people would like a dog, but a dog is too mindless. A cat is a little more selective. I don’t know if I’m right or wrong, but that’s just my opinion. I don’t know if I answered your question.

DBG: No, that’s good. They’re all just food for thought.

HELEN: So what do you have there now–is that what they call a tape recorder?

DBG: Yep. One microphone is hooked on to you there, and this one is just picking up anything I say.

HELEN: Mmm-hmm. So what did you study in college?

DBG: Painting. I went to art school.

HELEN: You’re kidding! I have an artist in the family, too. Do you play an instrument?

DBG: I played for a long time in bands–I was a bass player.

HELEN: Ohhh!

DBG: I haven’t done that much since the eighties.

HELEN: Well, my son, he’s still in the process of retiring–the 26th of September he’ll retire–and he just took a year’s piano lessons. I said, “I didn’t know you wanted to play the piano!” He says, “I didn’t either, but it’s something I decided I was gonna do and I’m doin’ it.” I think that’s wonderful.

DBG: It’s good to start on something new.

HELEN: I don’t know if he’s got it in him like you do. Why don’t you come around and play the band here?

DBG: I need to play with other people. I’m a bass player.

HELEN: Oh, okay.

DBG: But I haven’t played much in years.

HELEN: Well I’m sure you have a lot of creativity inside that head of yours, so put it to good use. Are you altruistic, would you label yourself as altruistic, David?

DBG: To a point, yes.

HELEN: I think so

DBG: I’m fairly pragmatic.

HELEN: That’s what I thought I was, too. But see–when you look in the mirror, deep down, I bet you are.

DBG: Well, that’s part of me.

HELEN: Don’t worry about anything. It’s a waste. It’s a waste, don’t worry, I learned that. Of course, it’s okay for me to say that, now that I’ve got one foot in the grave! (laughs) But really, worry is wasteful.

DBG: There’re parts of it that are unavoidable and come from concern, like I’d worry about my wife or my daughter.

HELEN: No, we can’t cut that out of our lives, that’s right.

DBG: But worrying about what I am going to do ten years from now.

HELEN: Yeah, needlessly.

DBG: I’m confident I’ll figure it out.

HELEN: Well, gee, I’m so glad to have met you.

DBG: It was great to meet you too.

HELEN: And I wish you well with this work in progress.

DBG: Thank you.

HELEN: That’s what you’ll have to call it, Work in Progress.

DBG: Oh it is. I’ve been doing this for twenty-five years.

HELEN: Good for you. Let me tell you, you know what I do? I collect, in my lifetime, I collect naughty stories. Well I heard a story two days ago. (looks over at tape recorder) Is it off?

DBG: It’s running out of tape.

HELEN: Oh no, turn it off, turn it off! (tape stops)

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About A Boot

June 12, 2009



(11:34:39 AM) silvergeek000: sorry about your loss

(11:35:42 AM) PigeonClubATL: Good morning!

(11:35:47 AM) PigeonClubATL: yeah, we are on the hunt for it!

(11:35:53 AM) silvergeek000: good morning

(11:36:01 AM) silvergeek000: have you called the police?

(11:37:04 AM) PigeonClubATL: they have no been notified, i think it was one of those things that just magically vanish.

(11:37:34 AM) PigeonClubATL: maybe it will magically reappear? or maybe the police would just laugh to see the picture of a missing boot.

(11:37:48 AM) silvergeek000: a missing boot is nothing to laugh at

(11:38:29 AM) PigeonClubATL: that is my sentiment as well.

(11:39:05 AM) silvergeek000: what park was it headed for?

(11:39:59 AM) PigeonClubATL: there were many parks. piedmont, chandler, ansley…

(11:40:28 AM) PigeonClubATL: park hopping promises some fast times. and a lost boot.

(11:40:36 AM) silvergeek000: oh… so it was doing a boot tour!

(11:41:29 AM) PigeonClubATL: oh that is one way to think about it! what an exciting adventure!

(11:42:27 AM) silvergeek000: boots just wanna have fun

(11:43:03 AM) PigeonClubATL: haha they should have it. but they should come home, too.

(11:43:19 AM) silvergeek000: at what point did the boot gain full autonomy from your foot?

(11:44:38 AM) PigeonClubATL: well, park demand no shoes because breezes and grass need to be felt. so sometimes when you take one off, its difficult to find one.

(11:45:38 AM) silvergeek000: a very interesting case indeed.

(11:45:54 AM) PigeonClubATL: So where did you stumble upon the lost boot flier?

(11:46:14 AM) silvergeek000: what do you mean? the lost boot was not flying

(11:46:37 AM) PigeonClubATL: the posting! How did you come about this screen name?

(11:47:04 AM) silvergeek000: there was a dim recollection of a poster somewhere… at an intersection

(11:48:03 AM) PigeonClubATL: Where about the city?

(11:48:09 AM) silvergeek000: where did you leave the flier? did you lose the flier as well? losing a lost boot flier is very sad

(11:48:36 AM) silvergeek000: i don’t recall, i wish i could help you… i am retracing my steps and cannot remember where i last saw your lost boot flier

(11:48:50 AM) PigeonClubATL: well they were lots of places!

(11:48:59 AM) PigeonClubATL: we are not messing around about this boot, you know!

(11:49:08 AM) silvergeek000: oh no! scattered? if i find it i will definitely return it.

(11:49:20 AM) silvergeek000: the flier that is

(11:49:26 AM) silvergeek000: the boot is another matter, i may keep it to myself

(11:49:29 AM) PigeonClubATL: That is much appreciated!

(11:49:30 AM) PigeonClubATL: oh!

(11:49:31 AM) PigeonClubATL: no!

(11:49:38 AM) PigeonClubATL: you must not do that!

(11:49:48 AM) silvergeek000: why not?

(11:49:51 AM) PigeonClubATL: the boot is what we are after! it needs to be returned!

(11:49:58 AM) silvergeek000: oh, not the flier?

(11:50:15 AM) PigeonClubATL: nono. we are just looking for the boot!

(11:50:16 AM) silvergeek000: i am rather confused

(11:50:25 AM) silvergeek000: you asked me where the flier was!

(11:50:35 AM) PigeonClubATL: what would you do with one boot!?

(11:50:47 AM) PigeonClubATL: and i was wondering where you saw our flier

(11:51:02 AM) silvergeek000: good question. i’m sure i could think of something. afterall, those boots were made for walking

(11:52:05 AM) PigeonClubATL: thats just what they’ll do.

(11:53:47 AM) PigeonClubATL: oh that quick quip of confusion (kind of like an alliteration?) was kind of funny to look back on.

(11:53:57 AM) silvergeek000: something seems fishy about this case

(11:54:49 AM) silvergeek000: if you lost the boot, how were you able to take a photo of it and put it on a flier? obviously you took it before you lost it. But how did you know you needed a photo of it before you even lost it? I think you set this whole thing up!

(11:55:37 AM) PigeonClubATL: OR we have the other boot, took that picture and flipped it in Photoshop to represent the missing boot.

(11:56:10 AM) silvergeek000: WHAT!? the other boot has nothign to do with this. Stop changing the subject

(11:57:17 AM) silvergeek000: you’re obviously hiding something!

(11:57:22 AM) PigeonClubATL: :0 the boot has everything to do with it! but what is the subject you would like to move to again?

(11:57:31 AM) silvergeek000: the missing boot!

(11:58:43 AM) PigeonClubATL: that’s what i said! ohhh your tactics will not work on me sir or madam!

(11:59:35 AM) silvergeek000: no, you were talking about the other boot, the one that’s not missing!

(11:59:40 AM) silvergeek000: sir or madam!

(12:00:49 PM) PigeonClubATL: but by recognizing there is one boot here and not two, we now know there is a missing boot (not pictured in the flyer, but still an actual photo)

(12:01:11 PM) PigeonClubATL: its a roundabout way of talking about the missing boot.

(12:01:20 PM) silvergeek000: an actual photo, yes, but of the non-missing boot! isn’t that irrelevant to the subject at hand, sir or madam?

(12:02:16 PM) PigeonClubATL: but sir or madam, boots work in matching and the actual photo is a perfect example of what to look out for, though there should be a right boot and not a left one.

(12:02:45 PM) PigeonClubATL: it was the best we could do, we didnt know one boot was going to come up missing!

(12:03:14 PM) silvergeek000: i’m afraid we’ll have to start from square one… if i am hearing you correctly, you are saying that the missing boot is identical to the non-missing boot? and so they are almost like… twins?

(12:04:58 PM) PigeonClubATL: they are so alike it is frightening, there is one tale tell that they are partners–one is right and the other left. so they must be be reunited.

(12:05:53 PM) silvergeek000: strange. i’ve never heard of boot twins! in this case, i don’t see why you are so hell-bent on possessing the missing boot.

(12:06:30 PM) PigeonClubATL: because they are a pair! two of a kind! they must be reunited so that they can be together forever! And then my feet can match.

(12:07:56 PM) silvergeek000: sir or madam! I beg to differ. You have said in your own words that the boots are identical. And that you already own one of these so-called boots. In this case, would it not be reasonable to let someone else enjoy the other boot? Or do you think that the rich should get richer and the poor poorer!!!?!

(12:10:48 PM) PigeonClubATL: nownow, it’s not about acquiring wealth, but it is about wearing a boot. and the problem with items that come in pairs means if one goes missing, everyone is poorer! if, perhaps, you come across this missing boot, sharing could potentially happen and then two people would be richer.

(12:10:58 PM) PigeonClubATL: now that is spreading wealth!

(12:12:21 PM) silvergeek000: So you only believe in sharing when someone is giving you a boot. Not when you are giving a boot (that you already own 2 of) to someone less fortunate?

(12:13:16 PM) PigeonClubATL: but maybe if we can reunite the pair, we can all wear them and share and be happy! perhaps if you find the boot you should return it to its owner so that we may then share the pair with you!

(12:13:40 PM) silvergeek000: Preposterous! Sir or madam!

(12:14:02 PM) PigeonClubATL: You dont believe in sharing?!

(12:14:05 PM) PigeonClubATL: Sir or madam!

(12:14:07 PM) silvergeek000: I will have to do a full write-up on your strange ways of thinking immediately.

(12:14:21 PM) PigeonClubATL: I will be extremely interested to read such write up!

(12:14:53 PM) silvergeek000: I would also like to know who this "we" is that you keep referring to

(12:15:36 PM) silvergeek000: perhaps i should say Sirs or Madams?

(12:16:00 PM) PigeonClubATL: You are very crafty. And yes, this is a two person endeavor to find the boot. This conversation has been tag-teamed! ha!

(12:16:43 PM) PigeonClubATL: but really, this was a two person job. not because one isnt capable, but because two care equally.

(12:18:09 PM) PigeonClubATL: honestly, because you seem to be so on the ball with this investigation, i wonder if you could catch the subtleties of change in tone.

(12:18:19 PM) silvergeek000: ah… two people… i see why you need two boots now… why didn’t you tell me earlier? one for each person.. you DO believe in sharing afterall!

(12:18:46 PM) silvergeek000: oh, but how i wish there were a third boot!

(12:18:55 PM) PigeonClubATL: hahah you’re stuck on this one boot per person thing

(12:19:15 PM) PigeonClubATL: ill share my boot.

(12:19:51 PM) silvergeek000: which one of you is the one who looks like a splitting image of audrey hepburn?

(12:21:37 PM) PigeonClubATL: maybe there is a collective hepburn aesthetic.

(12:22:13 PM) silvergeek000: one can be aubrey and one can be katharine… that way you can share a last name

(12:22:57 PM) silvergeek000: a last name and a boot to boot!

(12:23:46 PM) PigeonClubATL: but katherine, while a wonderful actress, was not quite the face comparable to audrey and it would not be as nice on the bottom of an IM.

(12:25:01 PM) PigeonClubATL: haha "a boot to boot"–how often does one get to say something like that?

(12:26:17 PM) silvergeek000: "a boot" — that’s how some people say "about"… so if they said "about a boot" they’re saying "a boot a boot"

(12:27:34 PM) PigeonClubATL: I suppose the irish would be very apt to follow this conversation then!

(12:28:58 PM) PigeonClubATL: For now, we must be heading out for a bit! We had a lovely time talking to you.

(12:28:59 PM) silvergeek000: very well, Sirs or Madams! I am off. but fear not, I will follow this case closely. your boot will be found, although I may end up keeping it. have a jolly day.

(12:29:12 PM) silvergeek000: aha i see that your minds are thinking samely as mine

(12:29:30 PM) PigeonClubATL: Sounds like a plan! Indeed. Perhaps you will find the boot!

(12:29:35 PM) PigeonClubATL: and have a nice afternoon!

(12:29:41 PM) silvergeek000: you can boot on it!

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